Maybe That's Just That
by Can'tThinkOfaUsername
Summary: About how Freddie might have felt after Pandora's party. Freddie/Effy


It wasn't until he was lying awake that he thought about it more clearly.

He'd went to the party with one intention- get JJ out and take him home. That was that and that's what he'd done. He didn't want to be caught up in what looked to be yet another mess of a party. He didn't want to be near Cook either. And he also didn't expect to see Effy actually wanting him for a change. It was Pandora's party. Naiive, innocent Pandora. Effy was supposed to be her friend, wasn't she? The party looked to be lively- yet Pandora was nowhere to be seen. Effy was supposed to be loyal to Pandora like he was with JJ. And he came there for JJ, not for Effy. Effy could take care of herself. JJ, on the other hand, certainly couldn't.

JJ had tried to get him to go back to take her home safely, 'Sh-sh-shouldn't we go b-b-ba-back for her?' he'd stammered like a sheep. Damn. Even when he was scared out of his wits by whatever it was that had scared him (he still hadn't worked that out yet- he'd asked JJ, but he only got as far as 'Na-na-na-na-na-na-na' before he nearly had heart failure and had to be reminded to breathe), he still had a heart of gold.

But he wasn't in the mood for going back; he didn't feel good about leaving her there in the dark by herself when she was crying, and probably pretty drunk, but it had to be done.

Hold on a second, was he remembering that right? Was the invincible Effy Stonem actually crying? Did she actually want his help? She never needed anyone. She never cared about anything. She was stronger than anyone he'd ever known. But then again, he didn't really know her. No-one did- she'd always been too guarded for that. She'd never showed emotion before. But yes, he was remembering right, because he couldn't get that helpless look on her teary face as they drove away out of his mind. He remembered what he'd said to her- his reason for leaving- he'd told her the truth, that he wanted to take JJ home because 'you have to look after him'. That was true, but who ever looked after Effy?

She was always completely in control of herself, and in control of everything. She didn't need him. She'd be fine.

But as he thought about it, he realised that she probably wasn't fine. It took a whole lot more than drugs and drink to crack Effy Stonem. He couldn't blame it on that. She wasn't with Pandora, she wasn't with Cook, and she'd just told him her parents were splitting up. Why did she tell him that? He wished he'd realised at the time that her head was probably in a total mess and that she just wanted a friend to be there for her, or to keep her company, or to talk to, or to do whatever it was that would make her feel a bit less alone. She couldn't talk to Pandora. It was her party. She had more sense than to talk to Cook- he'd probably just hand her another spliff and drag her into a corner somewhere. She wasn't close to anyone else. So, fair enough, he, Freddie, was a sensible enough choice. But he just had to go and leave her there, even more upset and even more confused. And now he couldn't regret that more.

Effy captivated him. She was mysterious, interesting, and heartbreakingly beautiful. There was just something about her that set her apart from all the other girls. She was bold and brave, and utterly independant. And she couldn't care less what anyone thought about her. She could control a crowd without even trying. She got away with whatever she wanted. There was just something about her and her dark ways that had them all under a spell. And needless to say, he was no exception to this. Even the way she turned down the boys who really would care about her made him love her. She always chose the ones who just saw her as a girl, an object, not as Effy. However, there was always that hint of vulnerability in her eyes- the only thing that suggested that the guard she surrounded herself in wasn't permanent- the only thing that suggested she wasn't as tough as she tried to be. It was clear she didn't really even like those other lads she chose- she never seemed bothered, and she never tried to find anyone who'd be a proper boyfriend. Cheesy as it sounds, he wanted to be the one who'd make her feel special. He just wished for her to want him like he wanted her. He couldn't take his eyes off her, and seeing her with Cook made his blood boil. It made him hate Cook. He hated how he took advantage of everyone else- especially poor JJ. But he really hated how he treated Effy. He didn't care about her at all. He just wanted someone as crazy and wild as he was to provide some entertainment for him. But he didn't understand that Effy would never be like him. Because no matter how hard she tried to hold herself together and not let anyone else in, she was really a bit confused and lonely- Cook would never see through her guard like he would. He didn't blame her for choosing Cook- he's the easy choice- no commitment, just fun. But Effy deserved more than that.

He felt like kicking himself now for not offering to take her home when he saw her start to walk away from Pandora's party. He should've at least asked if she was ok- there had to be something very wrong to make Effy of all people leave a party. And it took a lot to make her cry. She was practically unbreakable. She probably didn't want anyone to see, but he'd looked out the window as the taxi drove off- he'd caught a glimpse of her staring helplessly after the car, tears running down her cheek, looking lost and lonely. Was she cross with him for turning her down? No-one ever turned her down. He hoped she understood that as JJ's best friend, that was his priority. He still was a bit cross with her for leaving Pandora actually. Pandora, like JJ, needed looking after sometimes- they were both too innocent. Effy had more authority than all the others put together- she could've stoppd the party getting out of hand, she could've made Cook look after JJ, and she could've stayed with Pandora. But then again, unlike Cook, Effy had a genuine reason to leave her friend. It wasn't fair to have expected her to pretend to be enjoying a cheery, happy, Pandora-style party. And it also wasn't really fair to have expected her to keep everything under control when the party started to get slightly beyond Pandora's idea of fun. Effy had more important things on her mind and she had a right to be upset- nobodys perfect. Nobody should be expected to know what to do all the time. Now he was kicking himself again for blaming her. AGHHH why did he have to do what he did?

He knew he was probably thinking in to things too much. It was just a quick, hasty conversation- not even a conversation. He was busy, he had to go home. That's it. But at the same time, that wasn't it. She had finally showed that she wanted him- maybe just as a friend, but she still wanted him, and he was in love with her. He may have just ruined his chances of ever being with her. That one moment with very unfortunate timing could have just ruined everything. He wished he would stop being so cheesy, but every feeling seemed stronger when he was alone the middle of the night. He'd started to text her 'u ok eff?' no. wrong. delete. as if she'd say no anyway. 'sory bout earlier'. no. delete. 'wnt 2 tlk?'. no. made him sound like one of those annoying ads. delete. 'did u get hme ok?' delete. 'effy i love u'. ha. most definitely delete. He just gave up and put the phone away.

He tried hard to get some sleep so he could wake up with a clearer mind and think about it in the morning. Part of him wished she would still need someone in the morning, that she wouldn't have gone back to the cool and guarded Effy just yet. Maybe then he could say he was sorry and talk to her, or let her talk about her parents, or do anything that might make her feel better. Maybe, but probably not. Throughout the whole night's thinking, he was only sure of one thing. He was definitely in love with Effy Stonem and nothing was going to change that in a hurry.

The next morning, he was thankful to be in town with JJ- it gave him an hour or two of distraction at least. JJ was fine. He'd recovered from the night before anyway. They met the girls walking down the street- looking slightly awkward, but they seemed happy enough- it was Naomi, Katie, Emily and Effy, heading towards Pandora's. Probably to help clean up or something. And as for Effy, she was Effy. Silently in control of the group as usual. All her vulnerability and emotions were carefully sealed once again as she casually walked past them with a simple, 'Hi Freddie, Hi JJ'. Nothing more, nothing less. As if nothing had ever happened. Which was probably true. Freddie felt like hitting his head against the wall for believing for even just one night that he might have had a chance, for ruining his chance, and for letting her slip away so easily. It was too late now. He was Freddie. She was Effy. And Cook was Cook. And as usual, Cook got whatever Freddie wanted and that was just that. But he didn't bang his head against the wall. He didn't flinch. He smiled a fake smile and said 'Hi girls' and walked away with JJ. Because just like Effy, Freddie had a guard, he had secrets, and he'd do whatever he could to keep everything silent. Effy was the only one who could break that guard. But she wasn't his. She'd probably never be his. So he'd just have to carry on being Freddie. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be happy, and maybe that's just that.


End file.
